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More good stuff. - Ed's journal
sobrique
sobrique
More good stuff.
zoethe follows on from the guide to overcoming nerd-dom

It basically covers the fact that you can make whatever excuse you like for your inability to interact. Or even claim to have Asbergers, Autism, or ... well whatever personality disorder.

But that doesn't change the fact that you're relying on a crutch.

Making excuses for 'failure' will work ok on people who have a reason to accept them. Friends, work, whatever might let 'bad behaviour' slip, with a good excuse. But for the other 99% of the people in the world, they're faced with the fact that you're not someone they want to interact with. So at best they don't and at worst they develop a prejudice against you in other situations.

It may sound harsh, but no one really cares about excuses, ever. Those that would forgive you anyway, will forgive you. Those that wouldn't are only interested in the fact you failed, and what you're going to do to prevent it in future, not why it happened in the first place.
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Comments
velvet_nothing From: velvet_nothing Date: January 12th, 2006 04:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sounds like you're talking about a lot more than just social interaction towards the end there. Want to elaborate?

I know what you mean about excuses; some people deserve a good slapping for all the whinging they do. But I think it's important to differentiate 'excuses' from 'reasons'. Some people really do find certain things hard - much harder, perhaps, than the person who is judging them - and I think it's important to try to understand that.
sobrique From: sobrique Date: January 12th, 2006 04:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
There's a whole range of activity it can apply to. "Social" interaction being the more obvious, but things like employment and health also entering into it.

I found myself feeling particularly 'bitter' that 'everyone' wasn't being aware or tolerant of the fact that I couldn't walk so far.

Or that I don't exercise enough, eat too much and drink too much, and so am overweight. Any other excuse I could care to make, is exactly that. An excuse. The fact of the matter is: I am overweight. I am the only one who can fix it. Making excuses that the reason that is so, is because I have a bad ankle and can't walk/ride/swim/run as well as everyone else is just ... entirely wasted effort. The circumstances are entirely under my own control.

I have no right to demand that the rest of the world judge me differently because 'I have an excuse'. After all, why should they? Declaring that 'I am a victim and I have a right to ...' is just wasted. I have no 'right' to tolerance there. Just the gift, from time to time, of tolerance, however sometimes at the cost of respect.

.
mcnazgul From: mcnazgul Date: January 12th, 2006 06:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
The rest of the world will probably judge anyway, regardless of excuse, reason or lack thereof. Your rights (and mine by extension) probably don't amount to a hill o' beans in that particular respect.

Yet that isn't important. What is important is that if you feel you need to do something about it, you go and do it. The ankle thing is a bit of a slower-down, you might want to give yoga or t'ai chi a try - both are pretty good at de-stressing and are surprisingly effective workouts.

Explore your options - you might be surprised.
sobrique From: sobrique Date: January 12th, 2006 11:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
I have come to the realisation that I was making excuses, and have thus stopped that bit, and started getting on with 'doing something'.
How long this lasts remains to be seen, but it starts from good intentions.
From: feanelwa Date: January 12th, 2006 05:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
I really care about excuses, sometimes.
sobrique From: sobrique Date: January 12th, 2006 11:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
If you're a friend, I don't need an excuse, I'll forgive you.

If you're a friend who does something 'regularly' (e.g. is always late) then you still don't need an excuse, but I'll remember and probably start to prejudge actions.

If you're a random person, then I don't need an excuse, because unless you give me reason not to, I'll give the benefit of the doubt. I may well remember though, and this may well influence my future decisions regarding friendship and/or other relationships (e.g. business)

And if you're someone who I don't get along with, or do something that crosses over the line from 'person I know' to 'person I really dislike' then I'm still not interested in the excuse.
From: feanelwa Date: January 13th, 2006 12:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Me too, although if I don't get along with somebody generally, it doesn't mean that their excuse for a particular mistake isn't valid.
jorune From: jorune Date: January 12th, 2006 07:38 pm (UTC) (Link)
Whither Nerd-dom and its inability to communicate? At least it is being recognised as a problem.

This inability is not just limited to gamers, larpers and con goers. No, it stretches across all the land and no part of society can claim it is unaffected by this behaviour. There are many monocultural people and within that there are people whose lives have moved to the celebration of one interest above all others.

Only the names change and the afflicted do not even realise they have a problem. You're a:
Foodie
Fashionista
Parent who really loves their child
Keen sportsman

These are positive terms that common culture supports and endorses, thus we can ignore any side effects of:
Weight disorders
Being massively in debt
Obsessive Compulsive behaviour
Looking forward to Arthritis in your 40's

I call on those present to celebrate personal responsibility and the value of other people now and throughout your life.
purp1e_magic From: purp1e_magic Date: January 14th, 2006 09:41 am (UTC) (Link)
I find excuses useful. If someone doesn't do something well and I know why I can help them to get better or work around their whys to make sure it gets done. If I don't know why I'm stuck in the dark, and feel very frustrated.

For example, Peter used to use his dyspraxia as an excuse for lots of things. When, eventually, I found out why he was always at least 15 minutes late, sometimes even as much as 4 hours late, I taught him how not to be. The knowledge of his dyspraxia means I can identify specific problems. In this case his poor timekeeping was because he had no concept of how long things took to do, and therefore could give no reasonable indication of time or judge how long it would take to get there. Without my help he would have come up with a stategy eventually on his own. But I could stop him from hiding behind the excuse and teach him coping strategies. After the first few times I helped him with different things he started to do it on his own.

And it's not just P. I try to understand and help everyone around me as best I can. Even when that help is by doing nothing or being unsympathetic at an excuse. Excuses are very helpful to give an insight into people around you.
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