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God and Beer - Ed's journal
God and Beer
(Plagiarised, but the original source is lost like tears in the rain. Repeated here, because it's cool, and because then I can link it into my memories.)

I don't need to scratch my head and search my soul to figure out whether God created the universe. I was there. I saw the whole thing.

God didn't create the universe. Well, He did, but not intentionally. God just wanted a beer. But you can't just create a beer floating in the middle of the void -- there's nothing satisfying about it. It would be like a book written by an illiterate person -- sure, he could put lots of black squiggles onto a bundle of pages that would vaguely look like a book, but it wouldn't mean anything.

So for a proper beer, God pretty much had to make up physics. I'm not just talking about the refinements needed to get it to foam just right -- I'm talking about the whole deal. After you drink some, there should be less left over, not more. Drinking a beer should not make you turn into beer yourself. Beers should not be smarter than the drinker. Well, not the first few, at least. The state of drinking beer needs to contrast with something, so the state of not drinking beer must also exist. In fact, that's where most of the world came from, because having the world exist in only two states (currently drinking beer/currently not drinking beer) just seemed too lame to a clever guy like God. Same idea for water and other liquids -- if He can drink beer, He really ought to be able to drink not-beer, just so He can say He chose the beer instead.

And then there's the whole question of origins. A beer is so much less interesting if it creates itself or just spontaneously comes into existence. A truly full-bodied beer needs a background, a character, a story. God went a little crazy with that, inventing those 'human' things with enough cleverness to invent stuff, curiousity to try things out, and a desperate need to get sloshed, smashed, trashed, and basically totally drucking funk. And all that cleverness and curiousity necessitated science. And dinosaur fossils. And religion. (God got a real kick when he realized he'd have to invent religion, I remember. Of course, he wasn't exactly sober by that time...)

Oh, and you know that bit about "...and on the 7th day He rested?" Purely an excuse to keep us from bothering Him during His hangover. We're still on the 7th day, see. I'm not even sure if He thought far enough ahead to make an 8th day. He was having some trouble with the notion of Time, and I recall Him saying something like "aw, screw it. Nobody's going to be drinking any beer at the speed of light anyway. I'll see you later -- I'm gonna go get wasted."
7 comments or Leave a comment
jambon_gris From: jambon_gris Date: October 14th, 2004 12:59 am (UTC) (Link)
"Nobody's going to be drinking any beer at the speed of light anyway"

now theres a chalange
sobrique From: sobrique Date: October 14th, 2004 03:43 am (UTC) (Link)
All we've got to do is digitise our particle stream, and transmit the result across the intervening space to be re-assembled at the other end.
jambon_gris From: jambon_gris Date: October 14th, 2004 05:38 am (UTC) (Link)
that sounds boring, on a lighter note after a brief calculation if we can accelerate the beer engine bar to 0.999995c according to special relativity in the four hours between say 8pm and midnight on a friday (in Bills frame of reference) we could get in 50 years of drinking time. Ordering a beer could be a bit of a bitch though.
sobrique From: sobrique Date: October 14th, 2004 05:46 am (UTC) (Link)
So clearly, you'd have to stockpile the beer in advance.
the_wood_gnome From: the_wood_gnome Date: October 14th, 2004 09:34 am (UTC) (Link)

Pig Bits, CHECK

Crisps of all flavours, CHECK


Lets goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
sobrique From: sobrique Date: October 14th, 2004 03:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
the_wood_gnome From: the_wood_gnome Date: October 15th, 2004 09:24 am (UTC) (Link)
7 comments or Leave a comment