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Dis/Connect - Ed's journal
It's funny isn't it. How crises can focus your attention on a thing that previously seemed irrelevant.

You see, I'm increasingly feeling disconnected from the my circle of friends. How much of that is because they're changing and how much because I'm changing, I'm not sure. Maybe I'll never figure that one out.

But I'm finding that I'm losing tolerance and patience. Or maybe it's because I've become more distant and arrogant.

But recent events have crystallised a question before me, that I didn't really realise was there.

"What am I still doing here?".

A year ago. I was working at Alstom. There were roleplay games, and circles of friends and evenings at the pub. It seems to have just degenerated into an apathetic melancholia.

Not an awful lot has changed.

Oh, there's some few who's company I would genuinely still seek, but at what point does apathy and disconnection change a friend to an acquaintance.

And now I'm nearer 30 than 20, I see a thing. The last year has passed by in something of a haze. Enthusiasm flagging, tolerance fading.

Perhaps it's now time to move on. To seek new opportunities and avenues of development. I'm less attached than I'll ever be, here on.

And so, gradually, this rambling monologue fades without conclusion.

Why am I here?

Where am I going?
14 comments or Leave a comment
jorune From: jorune Date: August 17th, 2004 01:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
People will be fools and sometimes their foolishness can turn into real pain. The fool is the first step on the journey through the tarot, a trip of spiritual awakening. Keep on the path of self discovery and you will meet death, the destruction of the tower, the delusion of the lovers and the trapped souls of the Devil. None of the other cards is wholly benign and yet none of the cards above are wholly malign. Given that there is a measure of suffering, a spiritual opportunity cost, in all that we undertake there must surely be some goodness in the current state.

The path of forgiveness as preached by Jesus is at first glance easy, upon reflection hard. Raw feelings can be consuming and it can seem twice the hardship to remove these feelings. A community that practices forgiveness and encourages the seeking of redemption grows stronger by its practice. It is a personal journey that I recommend.

'Marriage is something you have to work at', the same can be said for friendship. What is a marriage or a friendship if it breaks? It depends on how much the participants wish to retain that bond.

" To err is human to forgive Divine" Alexander Pope.
" The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." Confucius

sobrique From: sobrique Date: August 17th, 2004 01:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
To forgive is one thing. To trust once more is another.

At what point do you cross the boundary between being generous and forgiving, and being stupid?

Yes, friendships have their high points, and their lows. Does there ever come a point where by their actions, someone indicates such utter contempt for your friendship that it become unsalvagable?
sobrique From: sobrique Date: August 17th, 2004 02:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'd add though, that the incident in question isn't the only one. I'm sort of thinking there's a little more general growing apart.
jorune From: jorune Date: August 17th, 2004 11:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
This is what makes the path of forgiveness hard, there is no boundary. There is no end to the love of Jesus and the redemption of sins, so there needs to be no end to the potential to forgive from the heart. When does this end? By the action of forgiving someone it acts as a force against the beliefs that brought them into a state that required forgiveness. How long? or How many times? That is unknown unless they disclose it and even then they may be still caught by bad behaviour/beliefs under which they are unwittingly caught.

To return to the Tarot comment, the image of the Devil in the Rider Waite series is of two people with loose fittings chains over their heads. They could take off the chains at any time and be free. The power of forgiveness acts as water bearing down on a rock face, it may seem that the rock is impermeable and the effort of the water is wasted but over time the water shapes and moulds the rock. So one day the rock/chain is broken and the person realises that the force that held them, once so powerful, is now dissipated and powerless. As a real life example look at Samuel L Jackson. A penniless drug addict in his twenties, movie star in his late thirties. He had just left the rehab clinic when he did 'Do the Right Thing'.

To distinguish between generosity and stupidity requires an act of intelligence/wisdom on a case by case basis. So too a definition of 'unsalvagable'. If you have forgiven someone from the heart then it is the memory of past actions that guide us together with the knowledge of the power of forgiveness. There can be many actions that indicate 'contempt' but the reaction to them is important. Forgiveness is a shield against evil and the opportunity to redeem it to goodness.
sobrique From: sobrique Date: August 18th, 2004 12:32 am (UTC) (Link)
And yet, there comes a point when trying to keep a millstone afloat is just a wasted effort, and leads to you being dragged down too.

And maybe when you find that you have less than you thought in commmon with a circle of friends, it's time to consider options.
From: portilis Date: August 18th, 2004 01:18 am (UTC) (Link)
Things change and people do as well. I moved away a little over a year ago now, and that was highly unexpected. For a few months I was returning most weekends, but then I started doing other things (mainly cam-related) and whilst I do stop and say hi to people, I'm there a lot less than I used to be.

As with any leaving, there have been surprises in who I am still in good contact with. There are people who I have stayed in exactly the contact I expected, others I still chat to lots that I wouldn't have expected to and others I rarely speak to that I would have expected contact with.

The biggest problem I've actually found more recently is the lack of desire many of the old Warwick crowd have to try new things, etc. I stop by quite often on my way through the area, and there are several people who have been suffering RP withdrawl that I have tried to persuade to come along to Cam games, and interest has been negligable, despite people often not doing much otherwise. Yeah, it's a crappy system, but when it comes down to it, I go to the games to socialise and relax.

With my general drift away from Sinergy due to travel difficulties, and my packing in of Stormhaven, I don't really get to RP with any of the crowd any more, but I do look back with fondness to evenings of roleplay, especially Sleepy Hollow, which had so much enthusiasm and drive from so many people during it's existance.

When it comes down to it, people eventually must move on in all things, and what counts is that when you look back you know you enjoyed yourself and you know you did the right thing for you at the time.
mrph From: mrph Date: August 18th, 2004 09:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Then step back from the millstone and concentrate on keeping your head above water for a little while. Then see how you feel about a second attempt - or see if it's now floating without your intervention.

I've been there and done this more than once. And the long term outcomes have been unpredictable, to say the least.
sobrique From: sobrique Date: August 17th, 2004 02:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, and thanks. The phonecall was appreciated, regardless of how terse I may have seemed.
mrbear From: mrbear Date: August 18th, 2004 02:30 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way, all I can suggest is that you follow whatever avenues that bring back your enthusiasm for life. Just make sure you stay in touch, don't drop off the face of the planet.
nuala From: nuala Date: August 18th, 2004 04:57 am (UTC) (Link)
There's something to be said about moving on as well. I moved to a new country, and eventually got married. But the new exciting shiny shiny doesn't stay shiny. How will moving on be any different, in the long run, than where you're at now?
sobrique From: sobrique Date: August 18th, 2004 05:41 am (UTC) (Link)
The exciting new shiny doesn't stay that way. Things tarnish with time. But moving on remains an option.

In the long run, perhaps not a large amount will change. Maybe in 10 years time, I'll still be a tired and jaded geek. The problem is, if I _don't_ move on, then it's definite.

At least, the way I see it now.
nuala From: nuala Date: August 18th, 2004 05:50 am (UTC) (Link)
Nah, I totally get it. I'm all about change and new shinys. Short attention span combined with a Mom who was an Army Brat (daughter of a Colonel in the Army, they moved every few years when she was growing up) and parents who were divorced, I never stayed in one place growing up. It's difficult for me to do so now.

If you're in that place, then do it. Life's too short to be tired and jaded and bored. :o)
From: sebbo Date: August 18th, 2004 05:12 am (UTC) (Link)

i can see you are being very honest with yourself. Therefore i'd say do whatever feels right.

Apathy is indeed spreading somewhat, due to a variety of reasons. Mostly i guess is that we are mostly lazy ... or naturally inert. And its starting to show. People living further apart means that its more effort to go and meet. Its not a stroll down the corridor anymore, which is what it was initially.

Like myself, would i really still be in cov if i hadn't met her? I don't think so. As a result I have lost touch with some, which i do regret, but the alternative is just so attractive.

Well, until you make up your mind, just have a good time :) And with regards to rpg's... could i convince you to run a couple of short stories or one offs??? I think jorune has been badgering one of us to get something going... and your gm'ing contribution in sleepy hollow was certainly very entertaining :)

wildwolfy From: wildwolfy Date: August 18th, 2004 08:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ok, as lame as this may sound to some.. One thing, being sorta in the same boat right now, I would like to do is send you a *hug*
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